Break

I'm working on the shooting script.

In the middle, I take a... no I give myself a break to distract me a little.

Appetite

I have a huge appetite now. I'm very impatient to film, extract all kinds of feelings, try many things, enjoy it. yum ...

Mood:

The clothes

I got the clothes today. Should I cancel everything and run away with them? I'm hesitating...

One two sound check

I tested all the material. I came to the micro-lapels provided by Catherine. I connected it. I got an headphone: no sound. I pressed every single button. Still nothing. I got another headphone. I checked the connections. Silence. I reset. I turned off the case. I took away the battery. I started from the beginning. Still nothing. All kinds of thoughts came to my mind. One relentlessly: I have a few days to find a fallback option. I looked at the cases. The frequency was different. I adjusted them: it worked.

The skull

I received the skull today. The delivery man gently held it out to me.

It's beautiful, wrapped up in its box.

Evetything is getting put together. The shooting is coming. I'm excited.

Mood:

Asshole

I met Eric Pougeau today to get his funeral marble slab "Enculé" which means asshole in french.

He's very gentle, very sweet and his piece is so powerful.

Mood:

Any questions?

Want to go further? Do you have any questions? Something to say? We'll try to answer... It's up to you!

the experience of the body by the body

I met someone from the cinema ... how may I say? Classical? Conservative? today.

He has just completed his studies. He is full of hope and quite impressed by himself, more impressed by what he could do than by what he has already done.

I glanced at him. My eyes lingered on his hair that you wouldn't want to touch and his gaze which didn't look straight. He looks very sweet.

He read some notes of the film. He didn't like it. I smiled. I offered him to go further, to explain ... no, no he didn't like.

I thought: I have two weeks before shooting the film. So far no one raised any objection. I am curious to hear what he will say. It is not too late. I can stop everything. Or modify some things. I'm listening.

He was embarrassed to say what he was thinking or the few notes he has read may have not been enough to make an opinion. Too bad.

He was seeking...

"The situation is fake." He said "fake". I looked into... He explained: "What are they doing there? Why don't they leave?" I said: they can leave, they may go, I do not know... why not.

He opened his eyes wide. "Yes, but ..." He was thinking... "What the director wants to do?" I smiled: Well... I say that the director wants to have... no, the director is asking the actor to have sex with him.

"So this is a porn movie? I'm not into porn..." I laughed and I answered, no, certainly not. Porn is not my problem at all. It has nothing to do with...

I stopped. I looked at him. I was more up to listen to him than to talk but I said: usually the desire of the director is hidden behind the story, the technique, the work of actors... Here it is apparent. Yes it is bizarre that a director asks an actress to simulate a rape for example, and during the shooting, this feels bizarre for the whole team. Moreover, we do not even know if actor's bodies are making any difference between reality and imagination because of their work on the emotional memory... Here I make this desire apparent. I do not hide the fact that the desire of the director is debatable. I face it, I don't avoid it.

There, the synaptic connections of his brain were shaken. I saw it in the bustle of his eyes. It was cute. "But why sex?" I understood that he raised this question. I could have shot a meal or a conversation, it's the same for me. The point is I want them to face this question, I don't want them to be able to bypass it, and if they do so, I want it to be clear. This may be what will interest me the most, the bypasses.

I added that whether we are sexually liberated and then this will be an easy-going thing to go through, or it is still very touchy, it still means a lot. Well, I'm curious to face it.

He seemed to assume that there is something very exciting in there, but he could not concretely figure it out. I can see in his eyes, he was overwhelmed. He tried to connect it with stuff he knows. "Okay, but what do you film? Even for a documentary, you need to know prior to shoot what you will say..."
I laughed at loud and said no, not at all. I don't know one thing of what will happen. I have no a priori. This is a challenge... Yes, here you point a sensitive issue of the project... how to film? yes... and so...

I stopped. I reminded that he's from a cinema trend where the image serves the film, where the work on the image is completely submitted to a big fantasy. I smiled and said that first, the image is independent. Every single element works in an autonomous way in the film: sound, image, work of actors... They sometimes connect to each other, sometimes conflict with each other, sometimes follow their own ways.

This was too much. He didn't get anything any more. I hesitated. I went a little further to see... yes, I will try to work on the image the same way as we usually work on the script. This is a full-fledged work. You could watch the image without the sound, without the work of actor, and it would mean something, raise questions, etc ...

I felt I needed to change the subject. It was way too theoretical for him. I could see that he wished to understand, but...

"But this is only about sex?" Here he went again. I did not know why this was so hard to get for him. I was surprised.
I tried something like: no, first, I will try to get what is before sex, around sex, besides... I think it's going to make sex more readable. Sometimes movies dare not invest the relationship, they stop just before, let it happen and watch and see. As a result, it is vague and unreadable. Here we will try to go through it. We should feel the importance of each gesture, each look, each word... And anyway, sex is used as an excuse, a pretext. I'm interested by the relationship between two persons.

At the end, I stopped trying to convince him, I said: yes, to make it simple, the public will want to know whether the actors are going to fuck or not. I use this question to ask many others, but well...

I tried to see if he had anything to add. He finally said: "This is an intellectual film though?"

I laughed. I laughed a lot, but I think I succeeded not to show it. I wondered what he was told about intellectual films in his school... I assumed this is an insult.

I thought about it. Can we say that this is an intellectual film? It seems very concrete to me, the experience of the body by the body.

I said something like: I try to question the relationship between two persons. It could have been a love affair, but in this case, in front of a camera, it would be really fake. This will happen between a director and an actor, as a concrete example. Then I use the pretext of sex to cause this relationship, it's also concrete, since it's a kind of case study. I think this is the most relevant case study. Then, I try to go into this relationship, to study various aspects of it, even to go further and see the reverse. After I organize the study, I give rhythm to it, I contrast it. It is supposed to get rid of theory. We are supposed to go through it defenseless, on open ground.

I didn't say that I try to simplify the conception and the filming of a movie as much as possible, keeping only the bones. Simplifying, getting rid of everything people think you ought to do is a huge work.

I didn't say how thrilling this is to try to lose power and control by organizing opportunities for something which will happen without knowing what at all.

I didn't say how politically important this is for me.

I didn't say how excited I am to take the risk of going into this in a such different way than a director who makes up a world and asks a whole team to be submitted to it would, to make him believe it does exist.

I didn't say that in french they say realizing for directing, and in realizing you hear reality.

I didn't say...

I didn't say anything anymore. I felt like I spoke Chinese to him. I smiled.

I didn't know if he was too young, if he has not yet stumbled against the limits of his technique to need to question it, if he was still struggling to master it, to do it well or if he had any genuine objections to raise, which would help me to avoid making a huge mistake...

I understood that I won't be able to find it out. I kept smiling.

Too bad.

Mood:

Secret trivia

• On Sébastien Meunier's trench-coat Claude Pérès wears in the film, it is written the definition of the word "exhibitionist".

• The nude scene on the bed is a reference to "Flesh" by Paul Morrissey and "Sleep" by Andy Warhol.

• The "asshole" ("enculé") funeral slab is a piece by Eric Pougeau.

• The clothes worn or not by Marcel Schlutt and Claude Pérès outline the balance in their relationship: Marcel is naked while Claude is dressed, then Marcel wears a tee-shirt while Claude wears jeans, etc...

• The vanitas scattered throughout the apartment is a piece by Claude Pérès called "tools".

• In the script, the characters are named A and B.

• The "doggy-style" scene is a reference to the first scene of "Law of Desire" by Pedro Almodovar.

• More than 17 versions of the script were written. Then they ended up working with no script at all.

• During the couch scene, the battery of the on-camera light ran down by accident. Claude decided to go on, recalling his first idea to shoot this scene in the dark.

• The bottle of water throughout the film represents the appetite or the thirst as a reference to the vase of Lacan's desire.

• Claude couldn't break the bottle ; the pieces on the floor came from several glasses, broken with a hammer.

• The plan of the film is put up on the wall of the bedroom.

• The three books on the chimney : "No More" by Marguerite Duras, "Oedipus at Colonus" by Sophocle and "Hamlet" by Shakespeare.

About delicacy

I meet an expert in photography in cinema.

I talk about the project. His eyes are wide. I smile. His whole body seems to say: "yes, indeed, there is something to search out there".

I have nothing to offer. I do not see how someone could come on the film set and disturb our privacy. It would be another project, another film. Besides, I think I should do the photography. The image has to sweat my whatsoever sensitivity. This is something I can't bypass.

But... we talk.

We talk about movies. We have the same things in mind. This scene, this angle, this directing of actors, this bias in this movie...

Then, we happen to talk about the distance of the camera. How to shoot something so delicate? Which point of view has to be chosen?

I tell him that I watched porn movies lately. What bothers me most is this idea to shoot close-up, to show sex. I do not like it either when the actors cry in a movie. I do not want the viewer to be a voyeur, to stand between the actors. There is a reserve to find there. It is important to me.

We will not do things for the camera. We do not even know what will happen anyway.

He understands. He gets thrilled. He raises plenty of issues.

We speak about shot reverse shot. I do not know why. I tell him this reflex to shoot the face of the other one to get his reaction is odd. It seems to go without saying in the grammar of cinema, but... Here, the camera will not be between the actors, ready to catch any of their reactions. I do not want the camera to interfere. A time-lag in the reverse shot, a delay to what is expected... It's a film about desire, there are inevitably questions about what we expect to see. You can use the cut, the rhythm, to insert wait times, surprises, desire precisely. It can be easily done... I want to match the scenes in the movement to use the fluidity in order to delay the expectation ...

Here I do not succeed to explain... I can not find the words to make that clear. I feel it, I'll try it, he will see. That's all I can say.

We laughed.

We discuss a little bit more.

He insisted: "You must find the right distance from the camera.

I smile. I repeat a few times the words reserve and delicacy. I add that reserve should not prevent us from going into this...

Mood:

Meeting Marcel Schlutt

The plane started to land. I looked at Berlin by the window. I recognized the German organization, colors, energy. I have missed it so much. Tears came in my eyes. Even this ugly antenna tower on Alexanderplatz made me shiver, it's so German. I smiled. I scrutinized every details.

I arrived in Berlin. I have not slept yet. I was lost. I could not understand anything. Everything had changed. I kept on walking, crisscrossing the town, going into buildings, discovering the station, the Hauptbahnhof, following the river Spree, walking along the line that recalls the demarcation of the wall, going into the Reichstag, watching Berlin from the roof, going to Galeries Lafayette to see the proposal of Jean Nouvel, getting lost in the desolate neighborhoods of the former east Berlin. There is work in progress everywhere. Usually, work in a city is unbearable, there that is exciting. You wonder what they are going to build up, what kind of audacity, of surprising idea they are going to make up. This is thrilling.

I absorbed all the energy of this city. I was hungry.

I stopped in Kreuzberg. I got a break. It was impossible not to stop. The sun, the blossoming lime-trees, which spread their smell throughout the city... Life is sweet in Berlin. Exciting, dynamic and yet so gentle.

I took the road. I had many things to do, people to meet... I walked along the canal; I looked at all those people lazing on the grass. I smiled.

I spent the 2nd day riding a bike. Then in the evening, I met Marcel Schlutt in Prenzlauer Berg. He was already there. He saw me arriving. A frank smile ate his face. "Guten Abend".

I sat down. I was about to tell my project for one hour, I visualized this time before me, I took a good breath ... but he had already heard it from a friend, I did not have much to say that he was already up to work with me.

I looked at him. He was moving as he seemed to be on the film by Bruce LaBruce. Simple, sweet, smiling. I listened to his English, fluent, barely hesitant, with a colloquial vocabulary. He was comfortable with his body, his sexuality, without being focused on it. That was good. I don't want to trap or force an actor for my film and I don't want to face moral issues which were raised more than 40 years ago.

Then I looked how he dealt with stuff: I saw he was very careful about what he said. He chose among everything he had to say what could awaken my desire and what could make him sound trustworthy. This was subtle enough not to be too obvious. He was rather trying to convince me to choose him for the film, than speaking that much about him. We spoke like that for several hours. I was tired. I did not say many things. I listened. Sometimes, I couldn't listen anymore, I happened to space out. At other times, we laughed, we had fun.

He's a straight to the point guy. I think that's how he deals with stuff, tenacious, confident enough, simple. He does not pay much attention to his fears. And I guess he never complains.

We both had things to do. It was late. Time went really fast. We left it at that point: "See you soon".

I ended my trip to Berlin. I did a few things. Went there, saw that person, etc... I looked at the program of the Schaubühne, but I don't like much the work of the choreographer which was scheduled at this time. I discovered a new trendy club. I didn't stick around a long time. I walked in the streets of Berlin. I looked at the avenues where the Communist elite used to live. It amused me how much the communist and the american architectures have in common.

I arrived in a square I finally recognized. All my memories of Berlin came back at last. I was moved and excited.

I came back to the hotel. I remembered that the Germans always provide a Bible somewhere in the hotel rooms. I sought. I found needles and thread to sew, a moisturizer for the body, chocolate bars, candies under the pillow, a bottle of water, the key of the bike the hotel lent me, a tissue to clean the shoes, but no bible ... Had the Germans changed to that extent? I opened the drawer in the bedside table: it was there, in all languages. I guess there are people who read a passage before falling asleep, this works like fairy tales, it is the same. I smiled.

And then I took the plane to leave.

Mood:

The Plan

Here is the really detailed plan of the film. It covers my wall. Everything is noted here. Everything but what's going to happen, which is not predicted, i.e the film :-)

choosing an actor

I met Natal. I updated her on the project. And then at one point she said: "How you gonna do to choose the actor? Want to hold a casting session?"

I widely open my eyes. No, actually, I think I frown. No, no, definitely not. No, I do not want that kind of relationship with the actors, choosing them from a catalog... it's childish, isn't it? I laughed.

No, I will not define the criteria and choose the one that comes closest to my idea. I do not use someone to make my movie look good. Oups. I want to be overwhelmed by the film, so...

It interests me a lot to question the relationship with the actor, to let him be free and autonomous, let him surprise me. There is something to dig out there. I guess it is very political. I laughed even more.

Natal said nothing. She listened. She smiled. She drunk her coffee slowly enough. I do not know if she likes coffee or if she chose it because she likes even less the other drinks.

I shall not dwell on the political issue. This is important, but not a sufficient reason to make a film, it can't be more than a means, you won't probably see it in the film anyway.

I went on. The most important thing is to create the conditions for something to happen, not to create something from nothing by asking someone to do things he would never do for real.

If the film stumbles, if it fails, it is not bad.

So I'll meet some people, see if we hit it off.

Natal ended by saying: "But you will have to choose though, won't you? "

Yes. We smiled.

First, I won't choose someone I like. I don't make a film to put someone in my bed. I hesitate to say that I do not need to make a film for this, but I keep this idea for me. If I do not like him, it can even reassure me. But I won't think about it anyway.

Then I won't know what the actor is ready to do or not, not to select on this criterion either. If he's up for everything or refuses everything, that's not of my busyness, I will find it out during the shooting. I conceived the script to let the actor as free as possible.

Natal listened carefully. When she focuses, she looks tough.

I think I would prefer someone who is comfortable with his body and his sexuality. Because I do not want to force an actor or trap him or put him in a situation he couldn't handle. And also because I do not want to raise moral issues that necessarily arise with someone who has not resolved a number of things. There are questions that were asked more than... I count: 40 years, we must move on to other things now. See if we can get onto sex in a more serene way perhaps. Or not. It will be interesting to see that we can't too. I do not know.

And then I'd prefer someone who isn't focus on sex and who doesn't make people focus on it either. Sex is a means, this is not the purpose of the film, we must think of something else quite quickly.

Natal smiled. She looked sweeter. I guess she nodded. She looked rather convinced. Perhaps she wondered what will outcome of it. I suppose that doubts cross her mind some times. But she carefully pick up in her questions, the ones which could be helpful to the film.


Mood:

A treasure-trove

Somewhere in Paris, there's a secret room where are stored most of the collections of Sébastien Meunier. I was lucky to be one of the few people authorized to go in.

For many hours, Sébastien, with his playful mood, took clothes out of boxes, twirled around, finding a coat here, a pair of pants there and his memories coming back with it.

And for many hours, before all this so clever, so bright, discoveries I tirelessly repeated : "I love it, I love it..." really thankful for his trusting me.

Mood:

Critical turnaround

We scheduled an appointment with Natal at a table outside our café, surrounded by trees. The sun is shining. I have something really important to tell. I threw everything away. She raises her eyebrows, expects for explanation. I threw away the story, the lines... We didn't have much of it? We don't have it at all by now... I tighten the film. I get rid of everything fake and made up. I focus on what will really happen: the relationship between the director and actor.

She doesn't say anything. She thinks about it. She raises plenty of questions: "How are we going to organize it? With what are we going to make the film?" We keep the journey, the obstacle race with experiences, challenges. But we go much further. What will be shot is how we react to what happens, how we will respond and go through what happens.

She goes on: "It no longer speaks about love? It no longer refers to sex?" It speaks about a relationship between two people. They happen to be an actor and a director. I don't want to lie about that. This is a filmmaker who asks an actor to do something, not to play, or cheat, no... to do something for real: to make love with him. And then we'll see what happens. I do not know if the actor would desire me. I won't choose the actor according to my tastes, I do not know if I will desire him. I do not know if we'll can. I do not know whether or not it's easy to make love with someone you do not know, to establish complicity and confidence.

It speaks about my desire to make a movie, my desire to choose an actor, my desire or not to make love... it's all the same desire. It also speaks about how the actor reacts to my desire, wants to make love or not, etc...

Then it doesn't speak about something else than sex and love. We are not going to talk about it, but what we will do does. It can also be a failure. It may be a film about a meeting which is not happening, a relationship which doesn't match. It would raise the same issues.

We talk long. She raises many kinds of questions, considers every points, including details on some very concrete things: "But how it ends?" I do not know. We'll see if the meeting happens or not ... "How did you get the idea?" While talking to actors, thinking about it in a really concrete way, I realized that's what interests me. I want to throw all the theory away and head on in it...

She remains thoughtful. Her eyes are very focused, almost black, serious. And then she said: "Actually, this is what you want to do from the beginning... and now you frankly go straight to the point. This is great!"

Mood:

Vanitas

I look at the vanitas works. I love the idea of Damien Hirst, this dialogue with diamonds, that stuff about jewel, completely vain precisely, and also... "immortal" ... no... "eternal", right?

I also like very much the Jan Fabre's one, its arrogance, its vitality ...

Yet I have something else in mind. Something simple. I feel that facing death ought to be delirious, since death doesn't even exist as an entity ...

I don't know. Skulls seem to be already inflated by a lot of... how can I say... projections... It could be interesting to calm it down... Don't add in delirium and anxiety... strip it... clear up the force of it...

My effort will consist in not deploying efforts, such as proving that I exist. I'll try that. It can even be quite exciting ...

Dinner at Sébastien Meunier's

I am invited to dinner at Sebastian. I do not know him. I know he has a delirious imagination and can be deliciously provocative.

I arrive. I talk about the project. I don't need to say much about it that he's already up. I smiled.

He shows me photos and videos of his collections. He is intimidated a bit, very slightly nervous. He get confused with the technical support, presses every single button on his computer, everything disappears. Frozen screen. He presses all other buttons: it works.

I watch. I'm not helpful: I don't say anything. Not a word. I am very curious and very amused by the tricks that I see though. I realize that I'm silent for a while, I finally force myself to say something, I do not know what: "cool" or "I love it" or ... whatever ... Something encouraging. I notice a trench-coat on which is flocked the definition of the word "exhibitionist". I want for my film.

Let's eat something now. The cook is very simple and delicate : fresh pasta with parmesan cheese, a trickle of olive oil and salad. Sébastien changes his outfit at each dish. He plays like a mischievous and slightly perverse child. It amuses me. He is a little worried by my amusement. He did not know if I'm just indifferent. But no, I like him for sure. Everything is fine.

A guest talk about my project: "Yes, because in this film by Catherine Breillat, it turns out the actress is very uncomfortable..." I say "Yes, that's what interests me, shooting this embarrassment... I don't want us to act as if everything was fine, if it's not..." His look seem thoughtful...

We keep talking for a while. The evening is ending....

They make something so delicious, Sebastian and his circle, something "huysmansian". They know perfectly the rules of etiquette, good taste, refinement, sophistication, but they don't respect them, they are respected by them.

Mood: